With every frustrated word I type about the economy, a voice interrupts me.

“From night shifts to national parks, throughout the abundance of odd-jobs and gigs you’ve worked, the common denominator is you. You’ve admitted to working under the influence of drugs and alcohol. You’ve had multiple messy relationships with coworkers, you’ve stolen company property, broken every rule at almost every job, and the longest you’ve worked any one place has not exceeded five years. You blame the economy, but at what point do you admit to being a shit worker?”

This is the benefit of manual labor. The worker remains occupied for the entirety of their shift with supervision and no idle time. People who don’t work don’t last. I’ve enjoyed such aspects of manual labor. Come to work and throw decorum to the wind. Move that couch up those stairs, stack those palates and load them on the truck. Simple work for a decent paycheck.

However, yes, if I remain unsupervised in situations where nobody is going to find out whether I stole food from work or I was intoxicated on shift, I do have a history of abusing such privileges.
Have I stopped? Not entirely.
Maybe it is my fault. Despite the ways I can excuse, justify, reframe, and distort the reasons “why” I abuse my privileges at work, I’m still in the wrong.

Am I even capable to be a good worker? Or will I always make exceptions?
I tend to think whatever I’m holding on to is holding me back. I don’t know for certain if a better financial outcome awaits if I were only a better subordinate.
To think the only thing standing between me and a six figure income is my resentment towards “the man.” If only I didn’t show up to work drunk and set the fire alarm off, I’d be in a beach house with my beautiful wife… Sounds pretty fantastical to me.

But that’s the outline for my justifications. I take a temporary part-time dead end job, and while I spin my wheels I get the most out of it I can. The job itself is a waste of my time. What are they going to do fire me?
And if the company slights me even a tiny bit, all bets are off.
This attitude applies to restaurants, hospitality, security and the jobs I’ve worked while I’ve been in school. I don’t approach every job with this fucked up attitude. Teaching music and working at a nonprofit organization were fulfilling and engaging, I had a very different attitude.

There’s no arguing I’ve worked hard. Working multiple jobs while going to school isn’t the sign of a shit worker. But have I done good work? Have I lived up to my potential?

I will admit I have not given 100% of myself to a job. I retain a certain entitlement to my life that doesn’t involve being completely enslaved by a paycheck.
I don’t care who says there isn’t better out there, I insist there must be. I will also admit I’m not opposed to giving 100% of myself to a company for no other reason but to see if I get different results than what I’ve been getting.
Yes half the jobs I’ve worked are out of business or don’t exist anymore. Some of those jobs I should have never taken in the first place. I’m still at fault for playing by my own rules. Time and time again, and it’s led me here. I standing at the front desk of an overpriced hotel making $18 an hour in a state who’s minimum wage is $7.25. My expenses are increasing, and I’m behind on my bills. Am I the problem? Is it me?

“To be a good leader one must first be a good follower. How can you lead if you don’t know how to follow?”