There was a time in my college career I became a rideshare driver for a company known for pink mustaches.
The other rideshare app gave me nothing but problems both as a customer and a driver. I quit doing the other rideshare app because every ride past 8pm turned into weed deals. There is no way a driver would not know they were participating in a drug deal. The ride was always:
- me picking someone up from their house
2. taking them to an ATM
3. taking them to the projects
4.then back home
Don’t get me wrong, the pink mustache platform had its fair share of sketchy rides, but the other rideshare app (it rhymes with goober) was outrageous.
As a customer, I rode one of their bicycles which charged 25 cents a minute. I got a $60 bill from a 2 mile bike ride, because their lock continued to charge after I dismounted the bike. I disputed the charges, but they did not want to give me my money back. I pushed back, and they gave me my money back but then deactivated my account.
Joke’s on them I have more cards and more emails. They just lost a customer.
As of now, I have given 6951 rides on the pink mustache app that rhymes with ‘rift’ and I’ve given 100 or so on the other app. I will focus on the pink mustache rides from here on out.
One day, the app had me drive 360 miles north to to drop off a passenger. The app does not tell me where the passenger is going until they get in the car, which creates an awkward situation if I disagree with the destination. I saw the price on the ride was likely to be high, and the man said he would tip me. It was a Sunday and I was a new driver, so I agreed to the ride.
I pulled up to this house in a sketchy part of town, and two people greeted me. One was a gentleman with tattoos on his face smoking a blunt, and the other was a young girl wearing braces. The gentleman with tattoos was the one who called the ride, but he did not get in the car. I was instructed to take the girl on this ride. She was polite throughout the ride. She spent most of it watching Tiktoks and on facetime in the back seat. I took her to Buc-ee’s (because we had to stop somewhere for gas). I definitely was transporting drugs across state lines. She also said this was not the first time they’ve called a long ride like this, and they usually get the same driver every time. She said the change was nice. I made it to the destination, made about $240 off of it with no tip. I was upset.
Instead of driving 5 hours back home, I have friends who were 2 hours away and allowed me to stay with them. I spent the next day driving around their city until I made as much as I felt the man should have tipped me. All in all, for two days of work and $240, it was not worth it.
When a driver takes such a long journey, the algorithm of the app thinks, “Oh wow, this guy must like long car rides” and proceeded to give me several more long rides throughout my time driving for them.
Postscript to the long car ride story. One day I had a notification for a pickup and it’s the same guy’s name from the 364 mile trip. This time the ride was an airport pickup, and as much as I wanted to say “fuck this guy.” I wanted to say it to his face even more. I accept the ride, and drive to the airport waiting for this face tatted dude but that’s not who got in the car. It wasn’t the girl either.
It was a whole nother ass dude.
He gets in the car, and I made it about halfway through the car ride before I said, “Okay what’s the fucking deal with this guy?” Obviously, dude’s a drug dealer, I didn’t need that explicitly told to me. Apparently the person calling these rides is the only one in their friend group who hasn’t been banned from the rideshare platforms and he may be the only one with a credit card? It got funnier because the dude I picked up from the airport gave me his number, and periodically sends me (still to this day) pictures of weed and a menu of prices for the weed.
I believe I unmatched from that user after the ride because I was becoming too involved in their narrative. I’m trying to turn over a new leaf here.
#2 was a 112 mile ride south. I picked a dude up from rehab and he said he was running away. He was trying to get clean but he was not about all the “feeling his feelings” business. So I pulled up and he shoved garbage bags of clothes in my backseat in a panic. As conversation commences I find out he’s some big time drug dealer in the city I’m taking him to and this is his big return. Only it’s not big it’s a silent sneaky return. Not much else was said, I took him to a seedy motel and wished him luck.
Only problem was I was on the clock at my security job the whole time during this ride, because again I was unaware how far the ride was until I clicked accept.
I had one ride to the capital city of our state which is about a 3 hour ride some odd 200 miles west. The passenger was talkative, and she was going to some anime podcast convention. I don’t mind talkers, but she was a little on the boring side. I do enjoy rides out to the capital city because it’s significantly larger than the one I live in, which means I can make there in an hour what I make in a whole day here. As luck would have it, a tornado happened to hit while I was driving a student to the airport. She panicked the whole ride.
I believe I clocked into the security job before I got back to town during that ride as well.
I know, incorrigible.
One of the worst rides involved a local family taking a vacation. This guy filled my car with his family and every other ounce of space was full of trash bags that held their belongings. My car smelled like a cat died in it and someone covered it in piss soaked sawdust while I drove them 50 miles up a mountain. They were for all intents and purposes illiterate and could not help me find their cabin. It led me to question my future with this job.
On the day of the worst tornado we’ve seen to date, I picked up this guy who needed to go to this medical appointment because he was on workers’ comp, and if he missed it they’d take him to court. I could not see five feet in front of me. Street signs were spinning, traffic lights were swaying, trees falling down and I drove maybe 20 mph for the majority of the ride. We got lucky when the eye of the storm hit there was a couch in the middle of the road that we would have never seen if the weather hadn’t cleared. The ride left me questioning my life choices.
I picked up someone new in town and he seemed kind of lonely. He invited me to see a concert with him, I flipped a coin and said yes. He bought me drinks left and right, and he was desperately trying to get laid. I had no interest in such things, I watched him strike out once. On strikeout number 2, I ditched him. I wasn’t feeling like being a wingman, and I was already pretty trashed. There went my fares for the night.
A more lucrative experience was these guys I picked up from a strip club and took them strip club hopping (that’s when you go from strip club to strip club, our town only has 3 strip clubs2). The man gave me $100 for putting up with their drunken antics. That was some of the easiest money I’ve ever made.
It’s funny to watch how people behave when they’re on vacation or on work trips. The last story I’ll share was from a more recent ride, and has made me very hesitant to continue this job.
I picked up these two women, one was very attractive and charming. Before getting in my car, she said she’s waiting on her friend. Her friend walks up and the first thing she says to me is “let me lick your ear.” She was eating a slice of pizza and she pushed it in my face trying to get me to take a bite. She then gets in the back seat and acts about as belligerent as she possibly could. When I got through to her that I’m not trying to fight her, I’m trying to be nice and she’s starting shit with me, she then started whispering a bunch of filthy sexual shit in my ear. We get to their hotel, and she then takes off her pants and pushes my head into her ass. She asks me how her pussy smelled, they get out and I haven’t seen them since. They’re pilots based out of Wisconsin?
Fuckin’ gave me flashbacks to the bike job.
No dignity. No respect. I can still see her throbbing asshole.
I feel the gig economy profits off of the desperation of the working class. I need money and in theory there is nothing wrong with doing this stuff, but the details of what I have to go through and the internal cost of aiding and abetting this immorality does wear at me. It’s a conflict.
Note: I wanted to add a section about all of the prostitutes who I gave rides to.
Most prostitutes I picked up were all staying at the same motel, which I would have never known existed otherwise. Many of them were high upon entering my vehicle and it led to some funny first impressions. I never directly asked the women out of respect, but it was quite unmistakable. I’ll never forget this 200 lb boisterous woman who barreled into my backseat completely zooted off adderal. She trailed on and off about how she’s hot shit from Detroit. She’s hot shit, but she wants to make “that real money.” She had to be 50 years old and divulged she had two kids. I asked her how long she anticipated she would stay in the business and she was ready to do this until retirement age. I dropped her off at a different hotel, and she offered to pay me extra if I wait for her and drive her back. “Twenty minutes tops. I’m that good.” She says.
I, being something of a whore myself, agreed. I went to the gas station, and by the time I got back she was waddling up. 17 minutes. I was impressed.
She handed me a wrinkly $20 which felt a bit gross to accept given the circumstances.
As I drove her home she tried to create a scenario in which I become her chauffeur. I drive her to the capital city, she puts us up in a hotel, and sets up all her work which I drive her from place to place. When I gave her a quote for the ride to the capital city her response was, “I could get a greyhound bus for less than that.” I said “have fun on the bus.” And blocked her number
Need Job Will Travel 
Leave a comment